100 Ways of Killing Ashelin!
by giantshroomhead0
Summary: Let's make our least favorite character die 100 times! Inspired by "100 Ways to kill Ilia" from the Zelda category. If you have an idea for a death scene, write it up and email it to me! Let the killings begin!
1. Death by a rolled up newspaper

100 Ways to Kill Ashelin

AUTHOR'S NOTE: 100 ways is a lot. I can only write so much, with two other in-progress stories, so if you have an idea, PLEASE:

1. Write it up.

2. E-MAIL IT TO ME!!

Thank you. Let the killings begin!

Part 1: Death by a rolled-up newspaper

Jak was sitting in his South Town apartment, baking pumpkin bread, when he heard someone yell something, and a huge _crash _from the general area of his door.

"JAKKIE! Long time no see!" screamed the drunken Ashelin, waving her arms wildly. Jak was so surprised that he added baking powder instead of baking soda without realizing his mistake. _Oh no, _he thought. _Not her!_

"I got tired of Torn being so quiet, so I ran over here to see you!"

She giggled and flopped over on the table. Jak pushed the pan into the oven, and then spoke.

"You _ran _over here? All the way from New Haven? Without getting shot?" he asked cautiously. _I need to get this bitch out of my apartment right now. _She was pretending to be asleep on the table, and Jak could tell, by the number of gigantic fake snores she was making.

Suddenly, two shapes burst through the now nonexistent door. "Hello Jak," one said in a throaty voice. "It has been some time," his companion added. "But we have your…companion…to thank for our reentry to this world," he said.

"Gol! Maia! Ashelin, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!" yelled Jak.

She hiccupped and sat up. "Purple people! EVERYBODY RUN! IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE ALIENS!!" she screamed, and attempted to shoot Maia out of the way. The corrupted Sage easily dodged, and sent a blast of Dark Eco her way. "Let us see how you like this, drunkard," she said coldly.

When the energy hit Ashelin, she could feel herself changing…into…a bug? What's more, it was a still-drunken bug. She flew to Jak's shoulder and tried to perch there, but he was too busy Peacemakering the two villains into oblivion.

Ten seconds later, Jak noticed an annoying fly buzzing around his head. _This is my perfect opportunity! _"Damn fly," he muttered, grabbing the Sunday edition of the _Haven Press _and trying to swat the Ashelin-fly into oblivion.

"DIE DIE DIE!" he yelled, attempting to swat the elusive fly. Then, he gasped. "I forgot about the pumpkin bread!" Everyone's favorite hero grabbed two oven mitts and carefully pulled his masterpiece out of the oven.

It was shriveled and wrinkled. His face fell in disappointment, before clapping a hand to his forehead in frustration.

"Baking powder instead of baking soda again! AND IT'S ALL _HER _FAULT!!" The second Jak put the pan down, the fly was upon it. He roared in anger and grabbed the paper again, this time totally smashing Ashelin against the wall. All that was left of her was a stain. Jak was singing to himself. _"Joy to the world, Ashelin's dead!"_

Torn conveniently chose this moment to walk through the opening where the door had once been.

"Hey buddy, you oughta get your door fixed-WHOA!"

He had just seen Ashelin's clothes lying in a heap on the floor.


	2. Death by a hot glue gun

Wow

Wow. Sorry that took so long. I'll be less epic in the next chapter.

Part 2: Death by a (hot-glue) gun

**(A/N: I chose "hot glue gun" for this chapter because I have had second-degree burns from hi-temp guns, and they hurt like hell.)**

Ashelin was sitting in Freedom HQ with absolutely nothing to do, because she is Governess of Haven City and gave all her work to someone else, the cruel person that she is. So she decided to make a model of her Hellcat cruiser-using scrap metal with felt on the outside.

First, the metal. She grabbed a few pieces of steel from the dump behind the HQ that were the correct shapes. Then she pulled a welding machine out of nowhere, plugged it in, and opened the gas. 

**(A/N: Yes, I have welded before.)**

"Hmm, I wonder what happens if…" 

**(A/N: Those of you who haven't welded, you have to put a clip on the metal to complete the circuit so you can weld.) **Ashelin clipped the clip to her boob, pulled the gun trigger, and touched the wire to her other boob. Needless to say, she was feeling a little shocked.

After she finished screaming in pain, Ashelin put the clip where it was supposed to be, and then tried to weld two pieces of metal together. Her first error was that she had neglected to wear protective leathers on her body and hands, and so was hit by showers of sparks. 

**(A/N: Oh, goodness! It's another thing that hurts very badly!)** Her other error was forgetting (or was it just that she was stupid?) to wear a welding mask. The incredibly bright sparks ended up blinding her for some time. 

**(A/N: Trust me, it is quite bright.)**

The stupid, now blind Governess of Haven City was staggering around like Frankenstein screaming about a welding mask when her eyesight returned and she found herself in a completely different room, a storeroom for the Freedom Guards' armor. She grabbed an entire suit off the rack and put it on, making sure she was able to see through the blue lenses of the helmet.

Ashelin made her way back to her studio and picked up the welding gun once more, determined to do it right this time. She was protected from the sparks this time, but she didn't know that you're not supposed to be able to see out of a welding mask. 

**(A/N: If you look out of a welding mask, you shouldn't be able to see anything unless you're welding, in which case you'll see the shiny sparks.)**

Blinded once more, Ashelin ran around yelling about sparks this time. When her eyesight returned, she jumped in her actual Hellcat and flew to the Slums, where she traded a few Precursor orbs for a black-market mask. 

**(A/N: The Governess of Haven City is buying stuff on the black market. Great example, isn't she?)**

When she reached Freedom HQ again, she tried welding with the mask on. She couldn't see, of course, and electrocuted herself many more times before she got the hang of it, but the author didn't want to write about it in detail.

After five hours of bad welds, Ashelin's Hellcat model frame was complete. She now had to glue on the felt that lined the exterior. Shedding the armor and mask, she grabbed a hi-temp Surebonder glue gun, thinking, _how dangerous could it be? _

Ashelin plugged in the glue gun and inserted a glue stick, waiting for it to heat up. When the gun was heated fully, she burst out,

"Ooooooooooooh! Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny!!" She was looking at the metal nozzle of the glue gun. She touched a finger to the tip and was, you guessed it, burned. A huge blister started to form on her burned finger. Being the Baron's daughter and Governess, Ashelin had never had a blister before. 

**(A/N: Kinda sad…) **"Lookit! I have a bubble on my finger!" she yelled, delighted.

The idiot proceeded to burn herself again and again on her boobs to increase their size. Needless to say, this hurt a lot. After she was done, Ashelin finally remembered her Hellcat model. She squeezed the trigger, and a drop of melted glue came out.

Being a ditz, she thought hot glue was meant to be squeezed on to a surface and then spread with a finger.

This was a double whammy for Ashelin. She was burned and ended up gluing herself to the model. No matter how hard she tried to pull away, she was still stuck to the pieces of metal.

**(A/N: Unrealistic, I know, just bear with me.) **Even worse, all the blisters on both boobs popped all at once.

Ashelin was scaring the Freedom Guards by running around Freedom HQ with a piece of metal stuck to her finger, screaming about her boobs. She ended up trying to melt the glue off of her with the tip of the gun. This works for other things, but IT BURNS when you do it to yourself.

The idiot Governess ended up gluing the glue gun to her hand, and it was burning her finger away. In excruciating pain, she ran out the door of the northern HQ screaming, with a glue gun and hunk of metal stuck to her hand.

**(A/N: She seems to do that a lot…) **All the Death Bots and Freedom Guards froze in shock to watch their leader running through the streets, screaming for Torn.

It was in this way that Ashelin finally reached her intended destination without being shot along the way. She made her way to the Naughty Ottsel and screamed at Torn to free her from her hot-glue bonds.

Now, everybody in Haven, including Torn, was starting to get a little tired of Ashelin's drama whenever she got injured or felt sad or mad or whatever it was. She always, always went running to Torn.

When his girlfriend came running up to him with a glue gun and piece of metal stuck to her hand, what he saw was an opportunity. He yanked the gun and metal off her finger as slowly and painfully as possible. Then, Ashelin drew close to him.

"Thanks, Torny-poo," she whispered to him.

"Don't call me that," Torn muttered. Then, they started making out. Torn was still holding the glue gun. He plugged it in and carefully raised it to the level of Ashelin's jugular vein. Ashelin was so stupid that she didn't realize that Torn had slipped his knife out of its sheath. He quickly, easily made the tiny prick in her artery that would suffice for his planned deed.

"Look," he said to her. "You have a cut," he pointed out. Ashelin touched her neck, where Torn was pointing. Her fingers came away bloody.

"Oh, Torny! I wanted to show you my new glue gun! Here, I'll seal the cut with it!" Ashelin said excitedly. She ran to a mirror and poured a large amount of hot glue on-and inside-the nick.

"See? That did the trick!"

Ten minutes later, she was dead.

The hot glue had dried inside her jugular and expanded, bursting the major artery.

Idiot.

(line)

OK, I promise the next chapter will come quickly! Very quickly! Quicker than this one!


	3. Death by hot coffee

Wow, short, quick, satisfying chapter. Hope you like it!

Part 3: Death by hot coffee (idea from deconheartstruction)

Ashelin woke up at the crack of dawn, which was unusual for the Governess of Haven City (she does what she wants) and was really tired. **(A/N: Go figure…)**

She loved caffeine, so she went to the nearest Starbucks (next door to Freedom HQ) and got in line, behind a ton of Freedom Guards **(A/N: Hehe…cops drinking coffee & eating donuts…). **

Back to the point….

Ashelin needed a huge latte every day to wake herself up if she woke up early. When she purchased the drink and made her way out, Ashelin took a sip of the scalding hot coffee and got a burned tongue for her trouble. She took another sip and-guess what?-didn't taste anything. She didn't taste a kick in her coffee!

Outraged, Ashelin took the perfectly caffeinated latte to Onin.

"O magic-lady-who-looks-retarded,-probably-doesn't-understand-a-thing-I'm-saying,-caffiene-master," (she took a huge breath) "Can you put a kick in my coffee?"

"Yes," Pecker translated. "But only if you worship Onin for a week afterwards."

The idiot Ashelin was, she agreed. Onin took the cup of coffee and did some of her creepy voodoo stuff to it. Ten minutes later, Ashelin took the once-again-steaming-hot coffee cup and drank it all in one gulp, then started screaming. "MY MOUTH! IT BURNS!!"

Pecker cut in. "Go bow to Onin and thank her!" he commanded. Ashelin did so and then left the tent.

Ten minutes later, her head exploded.

Onin had charged it with pure Eco, which is what the Precursors used for caffeine.

Idiots.

(line)

**(A/N: deconheartstruction, if this isn't what you wanted, I'll do a remake. But I just had this amazing idea, I put in the bits about her mouth burning for your sake.)**


	4. Death by a magic mirror

OK, OK, I know this took a long time. But doesn't everything? Sorry to say, I barely have any freetime this summer. I'll do my best though!

Part 4: Death by a Magic Mirror

_This idea was adapted from that of Dark Eco Angel and Grand Vamp. _Thanks to all who sent me ideas!

Ashelin, Governess of Haven City, was magically brought back to life and still under the influence of the super – caffeinated coffee Onin had made her, with pure Eco (which was in the form of Precursor droppings). She was currently running around Haven (again) with the stamina of a rabid Metal Head. In fact, she was running straight through the ruined Stadium section and Palace ruins, running too fast for the hostile Metal Heads to shoot her.

In fact, she ran straight down a shaft leading to the catacombs.

Fool.

She was now falling, all traces of her previous highness gone. "AAAHHHH!" Ashelin fell flat on her boobs, squashing them flat for a moment. She immediately stood up. "NOOOO! MY BOOBS! I'M FLAT!" Just them, her cleavage popped back into being. "Yay!" she yelled and clapped her hands.

Ashelin walked through the Precursor catacombs, seeing artifacts that no one, not even Jak, had seen.

At the end of a hallway, Ashelin turned a corner and saw…

Herself.

"A mirror," she said to herself. She walked up to it and touched the shining surface.

As clichéd as possible, she said to it, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the sexiest one of all?"

After a moment, the mirror displayed Tess's face. Ashelin gasped and went into cardiac arrest. She collapsed and started spasming. After that, her body stopped jerking as she went into a coma.

THREE DAYS LATER…

The Ottsel Dummy stumbled upon Ashelin's prone body some time later.

"A damsel in distress!" he yelled. Producing a defibrillator out of nowhere, he yelled "Clear!" to no one in particular, and touched the paddles to her boobs. Ashelin jerked awake, slapped the Dummy for her burned boobs, and ran off again.

"Bitch," he muttered, rubbing his stinging face.

THREE DAYS LATER…

Ashelin grinned as she lit the fuse of the missile she had tied her feet to. She intended to hit Tess with it, steering the thing like Daxter had done. The missile launched, and she was, too. Clinging desperately to the outside, she had forgotten to deactivate the supersonic boosters. As the speed built up, it stripped the clothes right off her body. The naked Ashelin clung to the missile for dear life screaming her head off while all her fanboys watched, transfixed, at the edge of the port. Torn looked out the door of the Naughty Ottsel to see his girlfriend naked, apparently humping a missile. He simply shook his head and got back to work.

Ashelin could still see, courtesy of her flight goggles. She saw Tess step out of the Gun Course, astonished. The vibration was still distorting her vision, though, and she missed.

The missile shot through the door of the Gun Course a second after she unhooked herself. Ashelin screamed, punched Tess in the boob, and threw herself into the Port as the missile and all the ammo in the Gun Course exploded. Tess was engulfed in the explosion. Ashelin, even in the water, sustained burns and bruises all over as the shockwave hit her. It was so strong that it flattened her boobs by several inches.

Cackling evilly, she climbed out of the water and streaked (literally) down to the Catacombs again, falling down and squashing her boobs completely flat. This time, they didn't pop back up. "NO!" she screamed. "I'M FLAT FOREVER!"

Ashelin mourned the loss of her boobs and continued to the mirror. Exhaustion from running everywhere was starting to take its toll, as well as her injuries. Ashelin was now naked, wet, cold, tired, burned, bruised, and just to add insult to injury, permanently flat. She stopped at the mirror, collapsing onto her knees and gasping,

"Mirror, mirror…on the wall…who's…the fairest…one…of…all?"

She died of shock when the mirror displayed Onin's face.


End file.
